What Do You Mean MORE People are Coming to our House?

When you are married to a Colombian, or in fact anyone from South America, you can kiss goodbye any future small gatherings you may wish to have in the near future, or indeed forever.

Gone are the days of nice relaxing sessions with some close friends, soaking up the sun, having a chat and a nice meal together.

Tomorrow we are having a BBQ for Australia Day where we invited four people - somehow this has ended up to a platoon of people and it would have been more if I did not put my foot down. There is also the strong possibility there will be a few surprise guests turning up on the day. This is because Colombians and their South American counterparts do not understand that it is not okay to invite other people to someone else's house. They believe it is the fiesta so surely this means every single Latino in our hometown must come...........................!?

To Our Dear Latino Friends,

We would like to extend our invitation to you to join us for a casual BBQ at our home to celebrate Australi Day.

See you There

Love Ponquecita

Disclaimer: This does not mean:

• Anyone’s family or friends who happen to be visiting
• The local Latino dance company samba girls
• Lance Armstrong and the Tour Down Under bike team
• Sydney Salsa Congress registrants
• Hugh Hefner and the Playboy Bunnies
• Potential new house mates
• The garbage men
• Your next door neighbour
• Work colleagues
• Marky Mark and the funky bunch
• The old lady from across your street
• The QANTAS pilot flying over your house and all the passengers
• The check-out girl from the Coles supermarket
• Any new Colombians, Chileans, Venezuelans, Brazillians, Argentinians, Peruvians, Mexicans, Equadorians, Nicaraguians, El Salvadorians, Cubans or Space Aliens who "have no one to celebrate Australia Day with".

Now dear readers, please excuse me while I pop out and buy another 20kg of asado meat

Safety “Jose” and his Magical DIY Underpants

The Colombian spends a lot of time doing DIY and it recently occurred to me that he has an interesting way in which he conducts the DIY – and that is with absolutely no regard for any safety equipment or protective clothing in any shape or form. In fact, The Colombian tells me he feels “free” when he is able to renovate in his underpants and that safety equipment is a farce because it puts you in a frame of mind where you have a false sense of security. In other words, you become complacent to your own safety if you wear gloves, eye protection etc. I have now decided that I will maintain a record of these magical, protective underpants in action as they truly are amazing.

Here is the first example:

Fitting a new window in the laundry (note how the magical DIY underpants have been his own personal guardian angel and have protected him from the circular saw, the nail gun, any potential broken glass as well as giving him special powers to actually lift the two tonne window in place).

I remember the day very well when The Colombian was angle grinding an old sewer pipe during the laundry renovations when he slipped and accidently cut the water pipe. Lucky for The Colombian he was wearing his magical underpants which averted a potential trip to the hospital in an ambulance but in response to the water gushing through the house The Colombian took off down the hall at full speed about to throw open the front door to turn off the water meter when he realised he was actually in his smalls………………………..

More Famous Quotes from the Colombian

The Colombian: Noooo Bubbeeee, give it to the dogs! It fall on the floor and it will be full of Germans.
Translation: Give the food to the dogs that fell on the floor because it will be full of germs

The Colombian: Baybee. I just hang that door. Is it crook?
Translation: I just hung a door. Is it crooked?

The Colombian: Nooo Baybeeeee. This is not part of the regine!
Translation: Sorry baby this isn't part of the routine!

The Colombian: Baybee. I love it when you make me lentuce!
Translation: Mmmm I love lentils

The Colombian: Bubbeeeeeeee look at all the chep!
Translation: Look at all the sheep.

The Colombian (in front of the mirror with MY ghd): Baybeeee does this fringe look good across my forage?
Translation: Does my fringe sweep beautifully across my forehead?

Dog Food Is Good Food

The Colombian loves offal - in any shape or form, from any species - legged or winged - it doesn't matter. He's grown up on an odd assortment of meat offcuts including chicken heads and feet, cow vein soup, liver, kidneys, brains etc.

When I cook food for our dogs The Colombian always comments how good it smells and whines that I don't make extra for him. I have been known to buy meat from the dog food section which The Colombian will happily devour - as long as it is fried in fat with onion and coriander (cilantro) - he's one one very happy chappy.

I have also witnessed with my very own eyes the crushing of a pig head from a roast spit with the white, gluggy brain scooped out with enthusiastic fingers at the end of a party to replies of "Oooo nummy num " and "ah this takes me back home".

It is not a sight for the devout vegan or vegetarian (or those watching their cholestrol intake).

On the weekend we went to a BBQ with other Latin Americans and I watched in confusion as they enjoyed a hearty feast of:

• Cow salivary glands (with residue hairs attached)
• Cow kidneys (a bulbous stinking mass of flesh)
• Lamb intestines (very prettily plaited in to a long, decorative string I might add)

Of course I squeeked a meek "no thankyou" as the tray of delectables was passed around but felt succumbed to peer pressure similar to the "scull, scull, scull" beer cheer during O week at university.

With one bite I took a piece of barbequed salivary gland in to my mouth and chewed........

I then quickly excused myself from the table.

Latino Beats

So The Colombian has decided that for his next project he will build a fully-fledged, acoustically insulated, music recording studio in our backyard. He has ambitions to make and record music in his studio as well as making a "ton of money on the side" (tax free) from renting out the studio to complete strangers for their recording needs as well as recording and selling TV commercial jingles. I await for this day anxiously. I also await anxiously for the day the Council comes knocking on our door. Of course The Colombian does not believe in obtaining Council approval for such a project.

True to his word, The Colombian has begun the long, arborous task of building the music recording studio but of course, refuses to pay full price for any building materials. Therefore, somehow, over the last few weeks, there has been a constant shipment of "supplies" arriving to our house. These include (and I am sure are not limited to):

• Second-hand bricks demolished from a school (complete with graffiti) - these were collected over the course of a week and delivered to our house via my BMW. I can assure you that the car's suspension and brake system will never be the same.


• Half-price acoustically accredited insulation bought from the Trading Post (of course these have been installed in to the studio roof and walls with no regard for safety masks, googles or any iota of protective clothing).


• Carpet underlay (apparently this improves the acoustics) to line the walls. Somehow these rubbery mats were sourced from a "friend of a friend" who knows a carpet layer. I bet this carpet layer thought all his Christmas' had come at once that some crazed Colombian wanted to take his rubbish off his hands. I mean who actively seeks out someone's crusty old carpet underlay?
  
• One very large wooden ramp that had come off a transportable building (acquired from a skip bin) because "this will come in handy for something".

Having now gathered his materials together like some over-excited bower bird, The Colombian has begun to construct his studio. I can now report that the walls are up and the roof is on and dare I say, it's not looking too shabby. The Colombian is indeed resourceful.

On the weekend, the next door neighbour dared to pop his head over the fence to ask what The Colombian was doing. He retreated in sheer panic and disbelief that a real live music recording studio was being erected next to his bedroom.

No doubt the neighbour will learn to enjoy a little Cumbia and Salsa at 4am in the morning..........just as I have.

My Favourite Quotes from The Colombian

The Colombian has lived in Australia for 6 years. When he first touched down on Australian soil the score was English : 0 - Spanish: 100.

Since that time his English has dramatically improved but there are still times he says things to me and I have to take a step back and "translate". Here are some of my favourite quotes..........

The Colombian: Bayyyybeee why is my ex girlfriend such a dump-arse?
Translation: Ugggh - my ex girlfirend is such a dumb-arse.

The Colombian: No bayyybeeee. I cannot eat that. I just wash my tooth.
Translation: I am afraid I cannot eat that as I have just brushed my teeth.

The Colombian: Bayyyybeee I have a wood chip in my hand. Where are the twitzles?
Translation: I have a splinter. Where are the tweezers?

The Colombian: Baybeeee it is sooo cold. Can you get me my egg-boots?
Translation: I am very cold. Can you please get me my ugg-boots? (Australian woolskin slippers)

The Colombian: Baybeeee when we get married I am worried I will cry a lot. I think I better bring some wankies on the day.
Translation: When we get married I will be emotional so I better bring some hankies (hankerchiefs) with me

The Colombian: Do you get my yeast?
Translation: Do you get my jist?

The "Not Enough" Gene

One thing The Colombian possess is what I and an Australian friend of mine (who is also married to a Colombian) call the "Not Enough" gene. Having spent a number of months in Colombia I have witnessed the possession of this gene first hand - it is certainly characteristic to this culture and one that the Australian race does not seem to have tucked away in their chromosomes.

The "Not Enough" gene refers to the ability of The Colombian to simply not know when enough is enough when it comes to the "fiesta" or really to anything in general.

Let me give an example -

The "Not Enough" gene will kick in at 6am in the morning, even when the party clearly died four hours ago. The Colombian would never think at 2am to say, 'Well thanks guys - great party! I'm off now. Thanks again!".

Ah No.

The Colombian has to stay and hover around awkwardly until basically he is the last person standing. This is because his "Not Enough" gene has fired up and is taking over his sense of sensibility and rational. The "Not Enough" gene fuels his paranoia that he "might miss out on something".

The "Not Enough" gene drives me crazy.